Monday, April 26, 2010

The night the list comes out...

We were told last week that a new list of waiting children was being released from China, so Kevin and I were cautiously hoping that our new daughter would be on it.  For months now, when we were told that the list was coming out, we would stay up late into the night waiting to see if our little girl was there.

This is what our lives look like the night the list comes out...

I sit in front of my computer in the basement, while Kevin is upstairs on his.  I'll usually be checking my email or reading other lady's adoption blogs while every once in awhile I'll click back over to our agency's private yahoo group to see if any of the children's files were posted.  When it is nighttime here in the states, it is daytime in China, which is why we stay up late into the night each time a new list of children is released. 

Last week I managed to make it to about 12:30 pm and my eyes were so heavy I almost fell asleep at the computer.  That's really early for me, but we had stayed up late the last few nights so I talked myself into going to bed and headed up the stairs - leaving my computer on in case I changed my mind.

I know that God is in control and that His timing is perfect.  I do have to remind myself of that once in awhile though.  Sometimes, I want His timing to be my timing.  I tell myself that if He meant for us to find out who our new daughter would be with that new list, then I would hear about it in the morning from our agency.

With a bit of guarded hopefulness in my heart and thoughts of an unknown daughter in my head, Kevin and I crawled into bed.  I think he was a little surprised that I was ready to go to sleep so soon, without waiting for the list to be posted.  In the past we have stayed up until 3 or 4 in the morning.

I finally fell asleep only to awaken again at about 2:30 am with the list on my mind.  Quietly, I crept out of bed and down the stairs so as to not wake anyone.  Sitting in front of my computer I was happy to see that some files were just being added.  With each new file that was posted I would look closely to see if it would hold information about our daughter.   There were a lot of adorable boys posted, but not so many girls.  The posting was slow so I dragged myself back up to bed where Kevin sleepily asked, "Anything?"  I told him that files were being posted, but not many and none that I felt was our daughter.  I quietly climbed back into bed, falling asleep with the unspoken hope that God had decided, after all, that our daughter was on that list and that we would wake up in the morning to an email from our agency.

Morning came quickly, and I once again found myself in front of the computer, checking my email  for any word from our agency.  Nothing.  Disappointed but determined, I tell myself that this wasn't the right timing.  It will be so much better when God does show us our new daughter.  It will be perfect.

As I start to head back up the stairs to let Kevin know, the phone rings.  It hardly ever rings before 8:00 am at our house.  A quick thought passes through my mind that just maybe it is our agency calling us instead of emailing.  Maybe they have a referral for us, maybe they have our daughter.  I anxiously pick up the phone and say "Hello?", only to hear my darling husband sleepily say with a note of hope in his voice, "Anything?"  He had called me from his cell while he was still upstairs.  A little disappointed that it was Kevin and not our agency who was calling, I told him "No, no email."  and that I was coming back upstairs.  He quietly said, "Okay" and hung up the phone.  I could hear the bit of disappointment in his voice as well.

As I climbed the stairs once more, I told myself that maybe next time, maybe next time it will be His perfect timing...

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  NIV   Ecclesiastes 3:11 


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